Fantasy Flicks: Highlander
Fantasy Flicks is an opportunity for me to come up with completely fabricated movie ideas and fill them with my choice of actors in order to make the most epic movie possible. In most cases these films will be totally original (as original as action movies get) but for this installment of Fantasy Flicks, I tackle the dreaded 1980’s remake…
Over the years Hollywood has seemingly grown more and more unoriginal and unable to come up with a movie concept that hasn’t been done a thousand times. There have been some real vomit-inducing remakes (Robocop, Red Dawn, etc.) that have left me scratching my head as to why and how they ever got made in the first place. I don’t remember anyone begging to see another version of Total Recall. Just watch the original one dumbass! The remake bug has even taken over 1980’s television shows too as we saw an A-Team movie a few years ago and currently have Denzel starring The Equalizer winning at the box office. I suppose I shouldn’t be too pissed that we have action movies making money. That is, of course, the only way they will continue to make more action movies, but so many of these remakes and reboots are just so shit-awful that I can barely stomach them let alone accept them. Having said that, there is one movie currently being given the remake treatment and while I love the original deeply, I am torn between my excitement to get more of this in my life and my intense hatred for pretty much every remake I’ve ever seen. The movie I’m talking about is of course Highlander.
While Hollywood continues destroying everything that I grew up loving, I thought I’d jot down a few ideas of my own which I think would make Highlander a seriously badass movie. First off, Highlander is a pretty weird movie if you think about it. The story of a handful of immortal humans hanging out through the ages cutting each other’s heads off in order to gain their power must have been a difficult sell to the studio. To me, the beauty of the story lies within the lyrics of one of the beautiful Queen songs that grace the soundtrack, “Who wants to live forever?” While some of us might think that living for hundreds of years would be pretty sweet, there are plenty of reasons why it would suck. How about watching everyone you know die? Being labeled a witch or a sorcerer and being stoned to death, oh wait, you can’t die. So you’d just get stoned for a really long time. How about contracting some horrible genital disease and having to wait a hundred years to get a cure. All of those things suck and I’m sure Freddy Mercury had them all in mind when he sang that wicked song (especially the genital disease one). So in my movie we’re going to drive that into everyone’s brain. Living forever isn’t as cool as you think. Look how hard it is for your mom and grandma to use a cell phone, imagine if they were like 350 years old. That shit would be impossible.
We’re still going to follow our protagonist Connor Macleod, but this time he’ll be played by Mr. Colin Farrel. Colin hasn’t had too much success with film franchises so that makes him perfect for my movie. Plus, being from Ireland he already has an accent. American’s can’t tell the difference between Irish and Scottish accents anyways. I’m sure he has a Scottish one anyways; he is an actor for God’s sake. In my Highlander, Connor will have traveled extensively as both a privateer and an adventurer; seeking gold and glory in Africa, Europe, and The New World. This will leave plenty of opportunities for sweet ass flashbacks of Connor battling other immortals.
Next, playing Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez will be the man himself, Christopher Lambert. The guy still looks pretty good for his age and he is definitely younger than Connery was when he played the role. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t want to hear Lambert telling the new Connor what in the hell is going on with him and why he can’t die. Ramirez will find Connor scared and alone and take pity on him instead of killing him. After teaching him about his immortality, Ramirez will be killed on a ship by The Kurgan. The ensuing Quickening will cause the ship to sink, thereby saving Connor’s life and pissing The Kurgan right the hell off.
I’m keeping the Kurgan for the villain but I want to give him a little more background and say he is part of a Viking longboat that had been raiding the Scottish coast for decades. By the time he finally meets Connor he has taken many heads and is greatly feared by everyone. Connor’s first meeting with him will be slightly different for me as he will already have been alive for some time and know the extent of his power. The Kurgan will be played by Kristofer Hivju of Game of Thrones fame. He is a bear of a man and has a ton of charisma, much like Clancy Brown.
So those are my major players, fast forward the story to present day NYC and it makes for an epically awesome showdown on a shipping barge out to sea. Oh, and the ship is caught in a big ass storm so the final duel is fought in a heavy downpour. Does that sound badass or what? So that’s my Highlander remake; pretty similar to the original while changing it just enough to warrant the remake. Let me know what you think in the comments below.