Bullet Points: Orc Wars
Are you a Tolkien fanatic that is bummed that the final Hobbit movie is about to be released? Are you a lover of all things fantasy and constantly dress up like an Elvan Prince and swing swords around your living room, felling any beasts which dared enter your kingdom of solitude? Are you a person who enjoys entertaining movies? If you answered yes to any of these questions then you will most likely have fun watching Orc Wars. If you answered yes to all of them then maybe you should join some sort of social group and get some friends…just sayin.
The Gist: A battle-weary ex-Special Forces Operative buys a ranch in remote American West to flee from the world, and encounters a strange series of trespassers, including a beautiful elf princess and a Native American mystic and Orcs. When the Orcs invade his property, John must give up his isolation to become a hero, before the Orcs unleash their dragon god on our world.
The Cast: John Norton is played by an actor named Rusty Joiner. Joiner was a model who had a good amount of success all over Europe but now seems to be exclusively acting in low-budget movies. He actually did a really good job. The ladies will like it when he pops off his shirt but I thought he played a pretty decent worn-out, PTSD’ed, veteran who only wanted to be left alone. The guy definitely looks like an action hero. The Elf Princess who causes John to get involved is played by the very cute Masiela Lusha. With a movie like this you would expect some terrible dialogue leading to shitty performances but I never felt like it was that bad. There was nothing Oscar worthy but also nothing cringe worthy.
Joiner looks like an action figure.
The Villain: Considering the title I don’t think we really need to talk much about the villains of the movie…it’s a bunch of Orcs. They’re being bossed around by a creepy witch lady wearing a bed sheet but the real star of the Orcs is a chap named Fangmark. He gets the most screen time of any of the creatures and he’s played by an actor named Isaac Singleton Jr. I thought he did a great job with character and you might recognize Singleton’s voice from movies like Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl or the Tim Burton mess Planet of the Apes. He adds a little humanity to the role and breaks up the monotony of just watching our hero John Norton mercilessly kill all of the other Orcs.
With a title like Orc Wars, I’m sure you assumed that the villains would be a bunch of Orcs.
The Action: It would be easy for me to bash this movie because the action isn’t as good as big-time Hollywood movies but if you go into this film knowing that you’re not going to see amazing effects then you’ll leave it feeling like it was pretty good. The guns that are fired appear to either be props or non-functioning airsoft guns so it looks like they went back in post-production in added bullet casings and such. It doesn’t have a negative effect on much but when you have to nitpick like that, it means the director is doing something right. I thought the dragon looked pretty damn good too. They started a Kickstarter program to raise money for VFX on the dragon and it really paid off. I was expecting it to look terrible but I was impressed. A movie of this nature doesn’t have too many scenes of pure dialogue and story building so there was a serious of amount of Orc killing so if you’ve ever wondered what it would be like if a horde of Orcs attacked modern-day Earth then you’ll enjoy Orc Wars as much as I did.
Who doesn’t have this in their basement??
Take it Home:
- Favorite Quotes: Elf Princess: “Are you the wizard?” Redneck guy: “No, I’m adopted!”
- Awesome bumper sticker: “When guns are outlawed I will become an outlaw.”
- Hold steady boys: During one of the gunfights, Norton is aiming his rifle to the left of the Orc Horde but the guys on the right side are also falling down as if they’re being shot.
- G.I. Joe: John’s hot realtor says that he is a “real American hero”.
- Not Fast or Furious: No matter which vehicle they drive in this movie, they’re always driving super slow. Slow enough that guys on foot, covered in armor are catching them.