What Not To Watch: Bloodsport 4: The Dark Kumite
It has been a while since I’ve hated a movie. But I absolutely hated Bloodsport 4: The Dark Kumite. Some of the “What Not To Watch” movies have left me flabbergasted as to how they were ever made, some were unintentional comedies filled with awful acting but Bloodsport 4 was so bad that I became angry.
Angry at myself for watching, angry at every actor and crew member who brought it into existence, and when I thought about how far the franchise came from the classic JCVD orginal, my blood was boiling.
- The Hero: Bloodsport 4 stars Daniel Bernhardt. This would make perfect sense considering he was also the star of Bloodsport 2 and 3… it would make perfect sense if he was reprising his role of Alex Cardo in those films. But he’s not. He is a completely different character, a cop named John Keller. The movie starts with Keller competing in an underground fight. Keller wins but disappoints the bloodthirsty crowd when he doesn’t kill his opponent and he speaks out how fighting should be about honor and respect and it has all become nothing more than a bloodsport (DING!)… if only the Swiss born Bernhardt wasn’t against the killing of the English language and the delivery of his lines.
- The Story: Keller goes deep undercover, after a murderer he busted 6 years earlier (Schrek played by Stefanos Miltsakakis) is out of prison and killing cops again, even though the official record states he was executed in prison. So after taking Schrek into custody the cops stage an incident, where Keller goes nuts, enters Schrek’s cell to execute him himself, when some of his fellow cops show up to stop him “he snaps and shoots them”. Schrek buys the whole thing, but I swear everyone involved could never have successfully pulled off “staying home sick from school”. I didn’t believe any of it. Keller is soon a convicted cop killer, with a judge who looks nothing like an American judge, with the exception of the Stars and Stripes hanging behind him. This is a high profile case, as is evident by the wooden reporter standing on the courthouse steps without a microphone covering the story.
- The Prison: So it is off to Fuego Penal for John Keller. As you might imagine, a cop in prison is going to have his fair share of enemies, including Schrek (who if he was suppposed to be executed, but wasn’t, when the authorities got him back, should he not have then been executed for his original crime? Is there a death row statute of limitations?) When he meets the odd ball warden of the prison, the warden informs hims that there is only one rule in his prison, there are no rules. I’ve never heard that one before. But the head guard of the prison, Files, did provide an original and disturbing quote, “Screw with me and by sweet, sunny Jesus I will use your prostates as a trampolines.”
- The Villain: The main villain in this crap fest and the guy the warden reports to is some eccentric freak named Mr. Caesar, who despite having a huge mansion, hangs out at the top or the bottom of his opulent staircase all day. Did I mention there are women sitting on every step all day long too? I hope they are drugged out of their minds because that would be a pretty miserable existence.
The only other Daniel Bernhardt movie I can recall seeing was Future War (and that was the MST3K version so I wasn’t totally relying on the movie itself to entertain me), so I’m not all that familiar with his work and for his sake I hope I just had the misfortune of watching the worst movie he ever made and this is not par for the course.
Maybe seeing Bloodsport 4 first will help me enjoy Bloodsport 2 and Bloodsport 4 since I can say “at least it isn’t as bad as Bloodsport 4“. Two more points I’d like to make before I put this ugly incident behind me…
- The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword: Especially when it is jabbed in your ear and kicked into your brain. Lesson learned.
- A Bright Spot?: For a brief moment I found some enjoyment, when Keller’s partner Blaire (played by Lisa Stothard) literally pours one out for her homie after she fears Keller was killed in prison. But this 2Pac moment is ruined moments later when the opening act for the Kumite is a pair of Bulgarian dancers doing something that must pass for entertainment in Bulgaria where this garbage film was made.