Bullet Points: The Scorpion King 4: Quest for Power
Surrender your wits and abandon all hope for an exciting and action-filled movie to the almighty Netflix Gods. Try Ye to suspend your disbelief and taste the utter despair of a wasted afternoon. Now Go! Prepare yourselves for a movie so abominable that you will long for a sudden roll of the credits or an early death; a film so predictably bad that a mere 95 minutes will feel like a lifetime. This is The Scorpion King 4: Quest for Power!
The Gist: The warrior Mathayus, also known as The Scorpion King, is tasked with retrieving an artifact but before he completes his mission he is betrayed by his protégé. Ordered to seek peace, Mathayus returns to his former friend Drazen only to be imprisoned where he meets the beautiful Valina. Together they work to stop Drazen from obtaining a powerful crown and taking over all of the land.
The Cast: Four out of the six actors on the poster spend less than 5 minutes on screen. There is a good amount of notable actors in the movie but none of them do much of anything and instead we’re stuck watching a couple of non-Rock jabronis ham it up for an hour and a half. The only two characters I liked were played by Barry Bostwick and Ellen Hollman. Bostwick was pure camp but funny, and Hollman as Valina was sexy as hell. That girl has a body that won’t quit!
This picture doesn’t do the hotness of Ellen Hollman justice!
The Villain: I’d like to tell you that Will Kemp as Drazen was marvelous and he kept the movie afloat by being a well-rounded villain who both scared me and really made me root for our heroes. Well, none of that is true and while Kemp wasn’t the worst part of SK4, he most certainly wasn’t what I would call “good”. I think that when the producers surrounded Kemp with pure shit it made him look better but he was about as competent as the Cobra Commander. Dude didn’t really have any real motivation and none of what he did made any sense. Screw it…it was The Scorpion King 4! What did I expect, Hannibal Lector?
I recommend a heavy dose of alcohol if you’re going to watch this movie.
The Action: This should have been where the movie went from horrible to just bad but it is not the case. The action scenes aren’t really worth a shit as they are so cut up you can barely tell who is hitting who and when you finally do see someone on screen battling they appear to be hindered by the horrible choreography. Victor Webster is supposedly a pretty good martial artist and I know that some of the bad guys can fight in real life but holy shit, these action scenes are brutal.
I felt really bad for MMA legend Royce Grace and UFC’er Roy Nelson that they had to “put over” this jabroni.
Take it Home:
- Booby trap: When Mathayus and Drazen try to steal the artifact there is the most intricate booby trap in the history of traps.
- Raiders: They use the same old Indiana Jones Raiders of the Lost Ark gimmick with the artifact. You know the one. The whole “putting an object down where you took the other away.”
- Geography: In this land they have bears, scorpions, and camels all living in the same environment.
- No Homo: The fight scenes are borderline homo-erotic. They cross dress, some dudes get stabbed up the bunghole, a bunch of them get stabbed in the dick, and the prison has a glory hole. I didn’t even mention the “Man Kettle”.
- Game of Thrones: Esme Bianco, who played Ros on GoT plays the leader of the Temple filled with Only Hot Ladies.
- WWE: Former WWE Dive Eve Torres gets twice as much time in her fight scene as she ever got in a WWE ring.
- Puny God: The makers must have also recently watched The Avengers.