Straight Shootin’ with Chad Cruise: People I want to punch
As a man, I often find myself wanting to bury my fist into another person’s face. Sometimes this is brought upon by an event or a reaction to something that I’ve seen. Other times it is because I’ve had just enough (notice I didn’t say “too much”) alcohol and I’m ready to deliver a hurtin’ on someone for wasting my precious time. In either case I find myself wanting to succumb to these urges more easily if the people below are somehow involved. NOTE: This list could have been much longer but I’ve narrowed it down to the film industry.
Mark Wahlberg – You are not a good actor. Not every character you play is from Boston. The best things about Mark Wahlberg movies is never Mark Wahlberg: The Fighter = Christian Bale, Pain & Gain = Dwayne Johnson, The Other Guys = Eva Mendes’ jugs, The Departed = ok, he was good but he was playing a Boston cop who cusses a lot. That’s like Mel Gibson playing a violent, anti-Semitic drunk. Too Easy! Maybe Mark will someday win an award for playing a former model/rapper who becomes an actor….from Boston!!
Channing Tatum – I like to think of this tool as a “poor man’s Mark Wahlberg”. Think about it, they both started in the modeling and hip hop/dance arena before making it big in Hollywood. Neither one of them can act their way out of a box of cereal. Tatum’s best role was (Spoiler)when he died in the first 8 minutes of G.I. Joe 2. Maybe he’ll have a long and fruitful career by taking all the roles that James Franco passes on but I would rather saw my own foot off then be in a room with a Channing Tatum movie marathon playing.
Jai Courtney – A couple of years ago, this spot most likely would have been given to Sam Worthington but he decided that making one Avatar every 10 years was better than being hated for doing shitty movies every 9 months. I guess those roles had to go to someone and that someone is Jai Courtney. Not only did he take a huge dump on the Die Hard franchise with “Whatever that newest Die Hard was called”, but he has continued to play the part of “other action stars stand-in” for 3 or 4 films each year. I didn’t hate him in Jack Reacher but that was only because I knew that at some point he would die and he rarely showed his ginormous head on screen.
Michael Bay – There may not be a more polarizing figure in Hollywood today than Michael Bay. For a guy who has so many similar interests to me (hot scantily clad women, explosions, gun battles), I think that if I was in the same room as him I’d want to smash a vase over his head. He made Bad Boys and The Rock so I’d spare him the beating that he might deserve but his last 15 years of movie-making has been like getting one long enema.
Jaden Smith – He’s just a child but he already has become one of the biggest douches on the planet. No one can be that stupid in real life. I know plenty of dumb people, as we tend to run in packs, but this kid is on a whole new level of idiocy. His parents can also consider themselves on my “shit list” too cause they raised him to be such a little twerp.
So there you have it. Do you agree with me? I’ve been wrong before but if you’d like to argue with me then find us on Facebook or Twitter and tell me I’m an idiot.