Shit-Faced on St. Patty’s Day
The night started off like any other, only this wasn’t a normal evening; this was St. Patrick’s Day! Not that the holiday really meant anything to us, it was just another Tuesday and we were looking for a place to kick a few back and have a good time.
I met up with Sly, Chuck, and Jackie around 4:30 and the plan was to go pick up Michael and grab some food to line our stomachs before we drank ourselves silly. Chuck insisted on driving.
Michael was always a bit mysterious but when we got to his house he was already crazy-eyed with a half-empty bottle of Makers Mark on the table next to him. We pretty much knew that getting Michael into a bar and back without being arrested would be impossible so after a short discussion he decided to stay at home. Bullet dodged!
So it seemed that our little group was getting smaller and now it was just myself, Sly, Chuck, and Jackie. The plans hadn’t changed but now we were going to be meeting up with some people that Michael knew and we had no clue who they were. That can be a little awkward at best and damn nerve-wracking most times. What made it worse was that they wanted to meet at this place called the Double Deuce, and everyone knows you don’t make it out of there without a few bruises, plus, Jackie hates Country music!
We met the guys anyways and after finally ordering our first drink we notice some creep standing in the corner staring us down. Dude must have had a death wish cause we weren’t exactly a couple of small guys and you don’t stare down some people like that unless you plan on doing something about it. Eventually I made my way over there and it turned out that he was the “cooler” at the bar and was just giving us the ole’ “visual patdown”, just to ensure we weren’t gonna start some shit. I told him, “Buddy, we’re about a dozen drinks away from any of that business!”
He got a kick out of it and bought us a round of beers but after that we were on our way. We were still looking to get some action but up to that point it had been a dull night. We started to think about who we knew that always partied hard and only one name came to mind, Danny Boy!
I called up Danny and he invited us to this new bar south of the border. He made sure to tell us to get there by midnight as that was the best time to not miss the band that was playing. Danny really knew his shit and we were pretty excited cause this place sure looked like a real hoot.
To say it smelled like stale beer and farts would be a compliment. I couldn’t get over the stench of copper piping and the sticky floor really pissed Sly off as he had on his favorite Italian shoes.We had stood out in the parking lot and shot-gunned a couple of beers before we went in and it was a good thing because the line at the bar was ridiculous.
It was 20 minutes before we finally got to the bar and saw Danny back there making drinks. He immediately gave us the nod and started pouring us all shots.
The night was about to get crazy, for sure.
We started chugging the house beer, which kinda tasted like a mixture of water and mule piss but Danny kept shoving them in our faces and it wasn’t long till I spotted Sly going all “shadow drinker” on us in the corner.
Sly always did this when he had a few drinks in him. I don’t know what he’s done but the guy isn’t the best dude to drink with. He’s really seen some shit in the past if you know what I mean. Otherwise, the night was kicking off right and the bar seemed like it was really clearing out. The people were disappearing and while it made getting a drink easier it started to get weird when I saw what I thought was a man’s head getting ripped off by one of the dancers. I gathered up the boys and investigated and whaddaya know, we found ourselves in the middle of a bunch of blood-sucking vampires with their titties hanging out!
I turned around just in time to slice off Danny’s arm before he grabbed a hold of Jackie and Chuck smashed a table and stabbed a couple of broads with the legs. Some dude got his jugular ripped out and blood sprayed into my beer (jerk) and I noticed that the band were no longer playing and were strangling dudes with guitar strings. Needless to say, it was time to get the hell out of there and just as we got to the door we see Danny all vamped out and pissed off beyond words.
Taking a few steps back we realized that we were now being surrounded by a legion of the undead and the only way out was by killing dear old Danny. I grabbed a chair and reared back to swing it but was met with a backhand. SMACK! Jackie threw a magnificent spin kick but that shit don’t always work on the streets and Danny flicked him away like a mosquito. Chuck started punching Danny like crazy but none of them seemed to have any effect.
It looked pretty grim for us but then out of nowhere comes Sly!
He wasn’t wearing a shirt anymore but I didn’t care about that. All I knew was that if he hadn’t gone all “1000 yard stare” on us he wouldn’t have gotten the drop on Danny and shoved that stick right through his black heart. F**k that guy! Jackie and Chuck kicked the door down and we strode out of that bar feeling pretty good about ourselves. I mean, the night wasn’t a total waste. We still had some beers in the car and we sat out in that parking lot until sunrise laughing about how we were gonna tell Michael that his two buddies got killed in that bar. Good times!
“Let’s get out of here”, Chuck said, “I’m driving.”
*Note: Parts of this story are not true.