Bullet Points: American Warships
I’m not a difficult man. Put Carl Weathers and Mario Van Peebles in a film where they fight against an alien invasion and I will watch it. It doesn’t matter that the film sometimes looks like it was made by a 12 year old, or that the CGI reminds me of an old Nintendo game. If it’s good enough for Carl and Mario, it’s good enough for me.
The Gist: The USS Iowa has embarked on its final mission; a voyage across the Pacific Ocean back to the U.S. to become a floating museum. All of that gets put on hold when a mysterious waterborn vehicle starts attacking bases and destroys the American fleet in the region. It’s up to the USS Iowa to dust off their World War 2 weaponry and fight back against the invading force.
The Cast:The best thing about American Warships is the cast. Mario Van Peebles plays the Captain of the ship and even though he is given a really dumb romantic subplot he is still not bad in the role. I thought that the intel girl was gonna be his daughter but she ended up being his lover. Kinda gross. Carl Weathers is underused and should have had more of a role. My biggest issue with the whole movie was the SEAL team. They were absolutely horrendous. They seemed to be carrying toy guns and couldn’t have been any less SEAL-like if they tried. A complete disaster.
Mario still has it. He really held this movie together.
The Villain: This is a movie about some aliens invading the Earth and doing battle with an old school battleship. There isn’t much about the aliens that we find out over the course of the film other than they look terrible and do a terrible job fighting against the Iowa.
Holy shit this is bad…
The Action: “They’re not gonna sink my battleship.” At least that’s what Mario Van Peebles says and while he was ultimately right, it wasn’t from lack of trying from the aliens. They fire on the Iowa a few times and MVP sends a SEAL team to board the alien vessel. What followed would be some of the worst scenes of any movie ever. The bonding scenes appear to have been filmed in a bath tub. One SEAL says “we never leave a man behind,” but less than 3 minutes later a guy gets shot and a SEAL team guy screams “Leave him!” In the end, the movie concludes in an unmemorable and totally unsatisfactory way.
Apart from the horrible SEAL Team guys, the action isn’t too bad.
Take it Home:
- Romance: MVP is in his late 50’s and his lover is in her early 20’s. Ick…
- SEALS: It looks like they have toy guns and that they’re riding in little inner tubes. These guys sucked beyond belief.
- Pilots: The Korean pilots using broken English probably shouldn’t have made me laugh but damn it was bad.
- Super fast sinker: An aircraft carrier sinks in like 35 seconds.