Bullet Points: Invasion USA
How dare you try to invade my country?!? I’m afraid I have no choice but to unleash the most remarkable, mass-murdering, mean-spirited, mustachioed man on God’s green Earth. His vengeance is just and swift and when you’ve breathed your last breath it will be the bristles of his finely kept beard that move ever so gently, as if to say, “See you in Hell. Send me a post card.”
There’s no better way to celebrate Independence Day weekend then by watching and marveling at the power of the American Spirit. And by “American Spirit” I mean Chuck Norris’ spinning roundhouse kicks.
The Gist: A Soviet terrorist by the name of Rostov (Richard Lynch) is planning on unleashing a reign of terror inside of the United States. Before he can do that, he first attempts to take out the man who had previously defeated him, former CIA agent Matt Hunter (Chuck Norris). When Rostov’s attempt to kill Hunter fails, Hunter now realizes the magnitude of the threat and decides to end Rostov once and for all.
The Cast: The Chuck Norris that stars in Invasion U.S.A. is the Chuck Norris that became famous for his internet facts; an un-killable fighting machine that fears nothing and whose chest hair saved the gulf coast from invasion by the Soviet Union. It’s funny cause Chuck played a lot of characters who had little or no back story and without the cool intensity of Chuck these movies might have just flown by the wayside into obscurity. Lucky for us, Norris and his screen presence was charismatic enough to keep his star rising and eventually he landed the role that would become his legacy; Walker: Texas Ranger. Here in Invasion U.S.A., Chuck doesn’t spend much time talking like some Euro hair stylist pansy. Instead he blasts his way through half the population of Moscow before shoving a rocket up the bunghole of Rostov and saving the day.
Chuck taking in a movie marathon minutes before saving the country. Just another night for Chuck…
The Villain: The Soviet invasion force didn’t seem to be the best laid out plan in military history. They storm the beach, blow up a few random buildings, shoot a crowd of teenagers at a burger joint dressed as cops, then they disappear somehow into the American public. You would think that they would be discovered at some point but the ineptitude of the local police/any federal investigators is so bad that they continue to harass the Americans until Chuck shows up wielding double sub-machine guns and kicks the crap out of everybody. Speaking of that, Chuck always pops up right at the perfect time to stop the Russians midway through their dastardly deeds. I love the way that Rostov is so obsessed with Hunter that he is pretty much willing to fail the mission in order to get his revenge. It reminds me of the way I attack a dinner buffet after a wicked chest workout. Nothing can stop me from endless roast beef and an ice cream station.
Filthy damned Communist invading pigs!
The Action: The action is straight up 80’s Cannon gold. Stuff blows up with little help and the loss of human life is so great that the Spanish Flu was like “Damn!” Chuck kicks a whole bunch of ass to the point that they pretty much just use the National Guard to do police calls and pick up all of the dead bodies that Chuck leaves in his wake. I would like to see the Government’s reaction to the devastation when it is all over. You can almost think of this movie as a pseudo-prequel to Red Dawn. The only problem with that is that you know Matt Hunter would have been defending the shit out of the U.S. against the dirty Communists again. I can see it now, Swayze and Sheen spray painting Hunter 4 Life on some old Soviet tanks like some nWo shit from the late 90’s. A man can dream.
Boom! One kick for every beer I’m going to drink this weekend.
Take it Home:
- Old friends: Billy Drago gets shot in the dick and his old lady gets tossed out of a window. A bad day for sure.
- Older friends: Matt Hunter has a buddy out on the bayou named John Eagle…that might be the coolest action movie name OF ALL TIME!
- Favorite quote: “If you come back in here I’m going to hit you with so many rights you’re going to beg me for a left.”
- Favorite quote: “One night you’re going to close your eyes and when they open I’m going to be there. And it’ll be time to die.”
- Body Count: That is pretty much a whole new graveyard.