Mutant Hotties of the X-Men Universe

Fox has been making a butt-load of cash on the X-Men franchise ever since it first hit the big screen in 2000. Hugh Jackman has become a household name and guys like Michael Fassbender and Ian McKellan have given the silly comic book stories enough actor street cred that attaching oneself to a film of this nature is no longer a laughing matter like it was in the 90’s. All you have to do is look a the box office numbers each year and you’ll see just how much people love watching these types of films. I’m not here, however, to talk about money and such. I’d like to focus on more serious matters as they relate to these films; when it comes to mutant hotness are you more of a boob or an ass man?

Rebecca Romijn – Mystique

Rebecca Romijn sat for an agonizing amount of hours while makeup and prosthetics were smeered all over her tight little body. The character Mystique has been around since the original X-Men film in 2000 and Rebecca even made a brief appearance in the First Class film. She may not be a Stamos anymore but Rebecca Romijn will always be Mystique to me.

Famke Janssen – Jean Grey

I get so tired of hearing Wolverine, who is supposed to be the biggest badass of all of the mutants, cry around like a little girl about Jean Grey. Yeah, she’s a hot red head, and those don’t come around everyday, but when you’ve lived as long as Logan has he should be able to connect with a couple more women than just this one broad. Famke Janssen would bring the role full circle when they rushed the Phoenix storyline and she popped up again in some alternate timeline bullshit recently.

Anna Paquin – Rogue

Anna Paquin is no longer a little girl. We’ve all seen her getting naked in True Blood by now and it’s safe to say that she’s dropped that innocent image that I had for her 15 years ago. She certainly had no trouble filling out that leather catsuit they put her in. The problem for her was that her character was a poorly written piece of shit and her lines were almost as bad as her dye job.

Halle Berry – Storm

Halle Berry is an all-time favorite of mine and a woman who will just not stop being sexy no matter how old she gets. I’m not sure which of the later films this picture comes from but as an expert on the female body I would have recommended that Halle unzip that leather jacket about 3 inches and let those puppies breath some fresh air.

Kelly Hu – Lady Deathstrike

The first villain on our list and maybe the most deadly of all the ladies to make our list today. Lady Deathstrike will straight up finger you till you die! I don’t know about you but that sounds like a pretty harsh way to go. Also, I don’t mean to sound racist but no Asian woman I’ve ever met is so in need of a manicure.

Ellen Page – Kitty Pryde

Ellen might enjoy this list as much as the guys out there (she’s out and proud!) but that doesn’t keep me from slapping her picture on here for all to see. More “cute” than “hot” in my book, Kitty Pryde uses her powers of “phasing through shit” to run away from people and eventually send a dude back in time (What?). If Parkour is all about getting from point A to point B with the least resistance than she would be the Queen of Parkour. Take that Taylor Lautner!

Lynn Collins – Kayla Silverfox

Giving us another reason to be jealous of Wolverine, Lynn Collins shows up in the first solo Jackman film to provide him with another love interest to avenge. She puts the FOX in Silverfox (I went there). I don’t know much about Kayla’s character outside of her appearance here but Lynn Collins could read me the back of a cereal box and I’d still get a boner. She’s a keeper Logan.

January Jones – Emma Frost

January Jones already sounds like a name from a comic book. I don’t know why they just didn’t let her keep her own name. Emma Frost sounds more like a porn name to me. Either way, Jones brings about as much sincerity and emotion to the role as most porn stars do and I will just say it’s a damn good thing that she looks the way she does because I don’t think she’ll be starring in Hamlet anytime soon.

Zoe Kravitz – Angel Salvadore

She has little mosquito wings and is able to spit some sort of acidic goo from her mouth. Where in the hell did that come from? They could have stopped at the wings as her power but someone thought it would be funny to see a stripper hocking loogies at dudes and hired Lenny’s daughter for the role. I won’t complain about the casting. Zoe has a body that won’t quit and nothing turns on hillbillies more than a woman who knows how to spit.

Jennifer Lawrence – Mystique

Back to the blue chicks, here’s Oscar winning actress Jennifer Lawrence all painted up and showing her plastic tits to your teenagers. I don’t mean that her breasts are fake, just that they’re covered in some sort of mold. If I’m going to blue myself then I want Rebecca Romijn under the paint and not JLaw. I suppose the filmmakers could have done worse but even 15 years after the original that wig looks God-awful.