Bullet Points: The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1
Sitting around the house watching movies that are made for 13 year old kids isn’t my normal Saturday night but I made a small exception in the name of being a good husband and I caught the third theatrical installment of The Hunger Games series. Kill me now…
Synopsis: No longer is Katniss crying her way around the jungle to occasionally fire a bow and arrow at a teenager. Now she’s taking up the cause of the rebellion and becoming a symbol that the movie doesn’t care to elaborate on. Yes, I get it! She’s the Mockingjay! It’s too bad the filmmakers didn’t tell the viewers what the hell that meant! So now she’s a propaganda tool for a bunch of gray-suit wearing crybabies.
It’s definitely not raining men: Never have I seen a series lack masculinity the way that this one does. Thor’s brother is completely useless, Peeta cries and gets captured in every movie, Lenny Kravitz has a dick ring, and the cool guy with the trident is now an emotional wreck. Woody Harrelson is the only male character with a pair of nuts between his legs.
Who needs Guns?: “Lets give the rebels bows, crossbows, and tridents!” Said the worst military tactician in history.
Bombing Raid Blunders: The idiot bombers sent by President Donald Sutherland were apparently taught to drop bombs from 50 feet above the ground. They were flying so low that a 17 year old girl with a bow shot them down.
Operation Expecting Failure: During a pivotal moment in the rebellion, these morons send six random volunteers, regardless of experience or ability, to rescue the former victors of The Hunger Games. Between this and the whole “no guns” policy, burying yourself in a tomb might be their best way to survive this war.
Is she Lorde now?: Not only does Katniss look like the chick from The White Stripes, now she’s singing some God-awful folk song.
The Verdict: I really don’t understand how these movies continue to make money. At no point did any of the characters stop being annoying to me. How can Jennifer Lawrence be good in some movies but so unbelievably bad in these ones. I will most likely watch the final film of the series just so I can say that I lived through them all but I’ll be as surprised as one of Charlie Sheen’s whores is if I actually enjoy it.