Bullet Points: Everly
I spoke about the film Everly once before, when I was listing some of the movies that I was most excited for in the year 2015. Just reading the synopsis for the film got me super pumped and when Salma Hayek (who drives me crazier than Bill Clinton at a Jenny Craig meeting) was attached to star as the leading lady, I threw my money at the screen so hard I nearly broke my 27″ RCA TV with built-in VCR. Let’s see if I can fit one more link into this opening paragraph: Yoga pants!
Synopsis: Everly (Salma Hayek) is a high profile lady of the night, but this isn’t her night. After she attempts to “blow the whistle” on her mobster “daddy”, a slew of bloodthirsty thugs show up in Everly’s really nice apartment to put a bullet between her pretty little eyes. Luckily for Everly, she isn’t the type of girl to just “roll over and take it”.
- Chips and Salma: While this has nothing to do with chips, let’s talk briefly about how freakin’ hot Salma Hayek is! Good Lord Almighty! I’ve seen her in the occasional tabloid magazine on the newsstands but she had to have been working on her body in preparation for this film because it is as tight as a thrice washed pair of jeans. If you’re looking for a shot of her magnificent body sans clothes you’ll have to use your Google machine or watch Desperado again, but this film does a great job of putting her in the tightest outfits possible. Two thumbs way up.
- This ain’t the Bunny Ranch: These whores either really hate Everly or they just really want that blood money. Whatever that answer may be, that bald dude who runs The Bunny Ranch out in Nevada would never let that crap fly.
- A Rogues Gallery from Hell: From a legion of murderous prostitutes to a Japanese sadist with a bag full of acid, Everly deals with the kind of villainy that would make Batman cringe. Director Joe Lynch really emptied his bag of crazies when he started making this action packed flick.
- Speaking of Action: Female heroes don’t typically get the action scenes that the men get but that is not the case here. I don’t know the exact body count that it has to be pretty damn high! Salma Hayek is no spring chicken yet she does a very good job of playing the character not necessarily as a classic badass but as a chick who will do anything to protect herself and her family.
- I’d Buy that for a Dollar: I don’t know why that line from Robocop entered my mind but while perusing my notes I seemed to return time and again to the level of hotness that Salma possesses while covered in buckets of blood. After the release of The Raid a few years ago, we’ve seen a few other films set completely in the same building. While this movie isn’t filled with the same type of action as The Raid, it doesn’t lack from hardcore kickass gun battles and hand to hand fighting. It’s Colombiana in a building!
With this many bullets you just know you’re gonna get some more Bullet Points!
- Favorite Quotes: “Tell Taiko he can lick my balls!”
- A Very Merry Montage: If you want to see Hayek clean her apartment filled with dead bodies to a background of Christmas music then you’ll be loving this movie.
- Kate: Kate Hudson was signed to play Everly for a long time but the movie was stuck in film purgatory for so long she had to back out.
- Keep it simple stupid: The movie was shot in sequential order because of all of the destruction to the apartment.
The Verdict: It’s a straight up blast! Any reader of this site will be right at home with the amount of action and female badassery in Everly. If you haven’t already sent a Valentine’s Day card to Salma Hayek you’ll certainly want to after watching her bounce around in yoga pants for 90 or so minutes. I strongly recommend you watch Everly now before your wife gets home and sees you pitching a tent in the La-Z-Boy.