Bullet Points: Java Heat
Java Heat might sound like the newest warm drink from Tim Horton’s but it’s not. It’s actually a new movie starring Kellan Lutz and Mickey Rourke. You’ve probably seen it floating around on Netflix and if you haven’t yet watched it I’m going to do you a “solid” and tell you this; it is pure dogshit!
Synopsis: Former Marine Jake Travers (Lutz) is present for the apparent terror attack on the Sultana of Indonesia and he becomes both a suspect and a target for the police and the actual bad guys. Jake teams up with a local law enforcement agent to solve the case and save the Sultana before she’s killed by the disfigured Malik (Mickey Rourke).
Cornell, Huh?: One of the many lies that Lutz tells during the film is when he says that he’s a graduate school TA at Cornell. That is not only very specific but also hilariously stupid. Lutz barely speaks in full sentences and when he’s trying to sound smart he has a look of a partially blind man reading from a phone book. That or he’s totally constipated.
Hey Mickey: Mickey Rourke is a mess. I could barely understand what he was saying for most of the film. His name is Malik and he appears to change his accent from French to Russian and then to a mumbling junkie. I’m still not quite sure what he was trying to do in the movie. He was definitely the bad guy but his motive was as dumb as the movie itself. One thing Mickey had going for him was that his sub-machine gun had an ENDLESS AMOUNT OF BULLETS! That kind of stuff always pisses me off.
Suicide bomb shenanigans: A bad guy wearing a suicide vest blows himself up on top of a building. Lutz’s partner is standing there with a gun pointed at him but instead of shooting him between the eyes he runs off of the building and grabs a conveniently hanging rope before being consumed by the blast. Wouldn’t it have been much easier to shoot the guy and stop him from pressing the trigger to the bomb?
Right…: Kellan Lutz has the world’s most undetectable bulletproof vest. In fact, it’s only noticeable when he gets shot in the chest and the filmmakers need a reason for him to not be dead. Also, I’m not sure a tiny little vest that can be hidden underneath a t shirt would stop a 7.62 round from an AK-47. Actually, I know it wouldn’t.
Un-Bond-like: After besting another guy on a dirt bike, something that James Bond could easily do, Lutz turns around and gives the guy the bird only to lose control of his own bike. What a dip shit.
Favorite Quote: “Buddy, there ain’t no thing as an ex-Marine. Semper Fi.” One of the only moments in the film where I didn’t hate Lutz’s character.
Please God, let this end: Mickey Rourke was probably only on set for a few days so it’s no surprise that the villains role isn’t fleshed out. Kellan Lutz is in almost every scene and he’s still a character that feels like he’s missing something. He lies about who he is for most of the movie and it would have been more refreshing for me as a viewer if he would have really been just a random guy instead of he person he claimed to be in the end. Maybe someday he’ll be better at being an action lead but that day isn’t today. Mickey needs to retire and Kellan needs to spend a decade or so as part of an A-Team show or something.
The Verdict: My heart rate is normal but my blood is boiling. Kellan Lutz has a million dollar look but ten cents worth of charisma. The writing didn’t do him any favors either. The script sounds like it was written by a room full of monkeys. If the only things you look for in an action film is the presence of gunfire and a couple of explosions then you might walk away from Java Heat with a different opinion than my own. If you care at all about the creation of characters like the hero and the villain, which are pretty crucial to the story, then you’ll see this film for the piece of garbage that it is. Go back to Abercrombie & Fitch Kellan, leave the action to the ones who can actually pull it off.