Bullet Points: My Name is Modesty
I learned a valuable lesson several years ago, just because a film says ‘Quentin Tarantino Presents….’ doesn’t mean that it is any good. It seems that these directors and producers who keep “presenting” movies to us don’t really care that they hardly get seen and rarely are enjoyed. Today’s review is a film based on a decades-old character from Great Britain with loads of backstory and years of cool stuff to draw from. Sadly, this movie felt like it lasted a decade and was about as cool as a Chumbawamba cover band.
Synopsis: When the casino-owning surrogate father of Modesty Blaise is ambushed and killed by a group of would-be robbers, it is up to Modesty to keep them from stealing the fortune hidden in the vault of the casino and to fight back against the men who threaten to kill her and all her co-workers.
- From the Opening Credits: The movies starts with a wild montage of female asskicking! It was enough to get me excited to see more of it and I had high hopes from all of the scenes that were spliced together.
- Your Style is Weak: The first real fight scene is between a bunch of children in a refugee camp. Talk about depressing…Not only is the camera work worse than a Jason Bourne movie but it’s also a real bummer when you realize that a few kids are beating up an old man.
- Pacing is for Chumps: Most of the film is told in flashbacks. I don’t know about you but that isn’t my “cup of tea”. To be honest with you, I don’t like tea so nothing is really my cup of tea. The flashback nature of the film keeps it from gaining any momentum with the real story of the film; the killing of the casino owner and the subsequent robbery of his place. The montage at the beginning was promising me loads of action and at this point in the film the closest things are kids fighting each other and an 80 year old man teaching a little girl martial arts.
- Mr. Miyagi’s Bitch: The character of Professor Lob is there to teach Modesty all of the valuable shit that she’s supposed to show us later in the film. He speaks seven different languages and (even though he got handled by some kids) knows martial arts. He trains Modesty in all the stuff that he knows in order to help her survive. I don’t remember what happened to Lob but I just assumed he died of old age or something. He’s definitely no Miyagi, though.
- Roulette ain’t Your Game Bro: This movie might be most famous for having Game of Thrones Jamie Lannister himself, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau in it. At no point does he bang his twin sister, try to murder a 10 year old, or rape his sister next to the corpse of their son and he’s still less likable as a character in this. He’s not supposed to be a serious villain, I guess, but his lack of roulette skills seriously shone doubt on any chance of him succeeding in his plans.
- My Name is Modesty: She finally gets a chance to show off her fighting prowess that we were promised from the credit montage and instead of it being some real Kill Bill type of stuff it was more Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers trash.
The Verdict: It didn’t take long for me to realize that I spent my night watching a real dud. In fact, the montage during the opening credits was my favorite part of the film. Apparently, Modesty Blaise is like a female version of James Bond in the UK but this film version never seemed interesting to me in the least. I’ve seen better fight scenes in an episode of Star Trek THE ORIGINAL SERIES! There are only a couple of things that could have made this film better but exposing a few boobs here and there would be the easiest way. There is a direct correlation between the amount of visible nipples in a film and the amount of Academy Awards they’re given. Look it up. I don’t feel right recommending this movie. Skip the hell out of it.