Bullet Points: Big Game
Donald Trump has now been President for a few days and I haven’t heard one single word about a conspiracy to crash Air Force One in a Scandinavian lake and for a bunch of mercenaries to start hunting him like he’s some sort of wild animal to display in their game room. Would anyone really want Trump’s head on their wall? I didn’t think so. Madonna has probably come closest when she talked about thinking of blowing up the White House but she hasn’t been relevant in 20 years so I’m not sure how much weight her words carry. Might as well have gotten Tony Danza’s opinion on the election.
No matter who the POTUS is, the thought oh him (or her) getting hunted in a new and mysterious environment sounds wildly entertaining to me. The idea of Big Game honestly just sounded like someone took Surviving the Game and Air Force One and smushed’em together. What more could you want from an action movie?
Synopsis: A young teenage boy (Onni Tommila) hunting in the woods rescues the President of the United States (Sam Jackson) after Air Force One is shot down over Finland and crashes into the wilderness.
- Grow Up Kid: There’s nothing like sending a young boy out into the wilderness on his own to “learn to become a man”. I actually love the idea. I spent tons of time in the woods as a kid. I’m not saying that I could have made it out there for an extended amount of time without some Nutrigrain bars or something but if you had left me out there for a few days I would have built a pretty sweet treehouse.
- Nice Try: They open the main story with Ray Stevenson suiting up in his Secret Service duds. If anyone really thought that he was going to be a “good guy” then you can email me at Chad@bulletproofaction.com because I’d like to borrow some money and I promise you I will definitely pay you back….I can’t even remember the last time that Ray Stevenson was a good guy and don’t go saying The Punisher because that movie is one the worst pieces of trash I’ve ever seen.
- Cold Blooded: I’m not talking about the weather in Finland. Although it does look cold as shit and the movie missed a big opportunity to feature Victoria Silvstedt running around with her nipples sticking out of her shirt. The coldest thing to happen in the early parts of the movie were when not so good guy Ray Stevenson cuts the tabs on the parachutes of his fellow Secret Service buddies. Not cool, bro.
- More Bad Guys: There are some more bad guys. Are they terrorists? Are they former C.I.A. operatives? Does it really matter? They are completely inept and unworthy of the opportunity to hunt a living President. That is the kind of prize that should be awarded at the end of a very long reality show. I know a living President who already has some reality show clout that would make for an excellent season finale.
- Why So Worried: There are a bunch of old white people back in the States who are watching the hunt via satellite. Instead of sending 10,000 troops in to comb the area, they just stand around drinking coffee and pretending to not notice that the General is the same guy who tucked his wiener in during The Silence of the Lambs.
- The Kid and the Bitch President: That could have been the title for the movie. I’ve never been so shocked by a Samuel L. Jackson performance in my life. I can’t think of a time when he played a character who was such a sissy. Just re-read the synopsis if you haven’t seen the movie yet. He gets rescued by a 13 year old boy with a bow! Then he screeches his way through the rest of the movie until he finally gets a chance to say sometime cool before the film ends. It wasn’t what I would call a great moment in his career. They must have offered him a ton of money.
- The Good, The Bad, The Fugly: There isn’t a ton of good to talk about. The kid does a fine job, I guess. It was too hard for me to get past the Sam Jackson crap and nothing about the movie struck me as inventive or original in any way. At one point they jump into a refrigerator and it somehow stops hundreds of bullets. It’s not a nuclear weapon like in that really bad Indiana Jones movie but it was still a shit sandwich and I’m not buying.
I have more….
- Big Game was the most expensive Finnish movie to ever be made. They must have paid Sam lots and lots.
- There is another old white guy conspiracy that unfolds by the end of the film but I don’t think I’m alone when I say that I didn’t care about it at all. It seemed like they were just trying too hard to make something out of nothing.
- Ray Stevenson deserved a better death.