What Not To Watch: Prototype X29A
Sometimes I question why I never finished college. One theory I have is that movies like 1992’s Prototype X29A, with their bleak outlook on what the future of the world would be are to blame. Why waste the money on tuition if the whole world is going to become a wasteland anyway? Unlike most of the movies that I have deemed as movies you should not watch, in the case of Prototype X29A I feel there is a much greater reason than the movie sucks, it is a complete waste of time, the acting is horrible, the story doesn’t make any sense,etc. Watching Prototype X29A will take the wind out of your sails. Watching Prototype X29A will crush your dreams and make you question any and all future plans you may have. Plus the movie sucked, it was a complete waste of time, the acting was horrible and the story didn’t make any sense!
- The Premise: In the future the world is no longer divided by wealth or skin color, but instead whether you are an Omega (cybernetically altered human beings) or a Prototype (killing machines that were created to eliminate the Omegas). As the movie begins we see a Prototype at work, eliminating Omegas and even killing their leader Zorn Kerkorian (Gian-Carlo Scandiuzzi). With the Omegas seemingly wiped out, the Prototypes shut down because they have achieved their one and only objective. I said seemingly because just before his death Zorn had his young daughter put in hiding so she could one day lead the resistance movement of the Omegas.
- The Jump: The movie then jumps ahead many years, Chandra (Lane Lenhart in her acting debut) is now an adult but at this point she has no clue she will become a resistance leader one day. She does have a clue that several of the males in the film want to bang her. Chandra is a target for some of the less than ethical male survivors. Chandra is also the object of desire for our hero, Hawkins Coselaw (Robert Tossberg in his feature film debut). Hawkins is a war vet who lost the use of his legs and is now in a wheelchair. Hawkins’ sexual fantasies about Chandra are in no way handicapped. Hawkins is thinking about Chandra all the time. He has a standing invitation for her to come live with him and he even looks out for Chandra’s younger brother Sebastian (Sebastien Scanduzzi in his acting debut) to score points with his object of desire. But at the end of the day he believes Chandra will never really want to be with him since he is in a wheelchair.
- The Transformation: For reasons that were either not explained or that I didn’t care to remember, a brilliant scientist, Dr. Alexis Zalazny (Brenda Swanson of Open Fire fame) wants to restart the Prototype program but this time giving the Prototypes new objectives. Becoming a Prototype would give Hawkins the ability to walk again. In his heart, Hawkins believes if he can walk again, he can finally close the deal with Chandra. So he foolishly volunteers to become the new Prototype (after about 50 minutes of agonizing exposition). Had Hawkins thought with his brain instead of his heart, he would realize that he would be confined to the Prototype suit and that the Prototype suit did not have a dick hole so all those sexual fantasies he has been dreaming about still aren’t going to happen. As if things couldn’t get any worse, the original Prototype programming goes into effect and now he has to kill the very woman he can’t screw. What an ironic twist right?
Actual prototypes may be an essential part of the materialization process but the movie Prototype X29A was an essential part of me hating life the entire 98 minutes it was on my television. When it was all said and done I was unclear on who actually created the Prototypes to eliminate the Omegas in the first place. I was equally unclear on what the resistance was resisting. Maybe the reason I didn’t understand this movie is because I never finished college. And the reason I never finished college was because movies like this gave me no hope for the future. Another ironic twist!
One thing I will always finish a review with, whether it is a positive or negative, are some Bonus Bullet Points…
- In Memory Of: The movie opens with a credit “In Memory of Jacky”. Even though I have no idea who Jacky is, I am sad that Jacky passed away. But what saddens me more is that Jacky has a shitty movie dedicated to him/her. What in the hell did Jacky ever do to deserve that?
- Disturbing Quote: “I ain’t touchin’ you until you put on a rubber.” – Chandra
- Promotional Consideration: I can’t help but think that big tobacco ponied up some of the money to get this movie made. The movie s filled with characters that are more or less chain smokers. If this is true, big tobacco will be hated more than ever.
- Uncoined Phrase: At one point the movie refers to an old saying, “you’re beating a dead dog with a broken stick.” No one in the history of the world but the character in this crap fest has ever said that line out loud.
- He Writes As Bad As He Acts: Robert Tossberg, using the pseudonym Rob Trenton, wrote and starred in an equally awful sci-fi action flick, Total Reality with David Bradley.
- The Name Game: In most of the world this movie is simply known as Prototype, but the US release called it Prototype X29A. The significance of X29A is unknown, I don’t recall seeing it referenced at any point of the movie… In 2009, a movie and a video game named Prototype were released. The movie was based on the video game but the plots of both had little in common… There have been two TV movies with the name Prototype. The first was back in 1983 and starred Christopher Plummer. The second was a 2016 SyFy movie starring Jack Davenport… In the French parts of Canada, Olivier Gruner’s 1995 movie Automatic is known as Prototype J-269.