Bullet Points: Light Blast
Melting Faces and Car Chases… Wouldn’t you love to see a movie with that title? Every time I go through my collection of VHS cassettes and come across the 1985 film Light Blast I think that more people might have experienced the goodness if the title better described the action. While Light Blast makes sense, I watch the movie to see numerous melting faces (think end of Raiders of the Lost Ark) and numerous car chases (think car chase of Bullitt.) If you want to find out more, you are in luck because I just happen to have some Bullet Points for a blast of a movie. Join me as on a journey to the unforgettable Light Blast… you can keep your eyes open, no matter what happens.
- Face Off – We are introduced to our hero San Francisco Inspector Ron Warren during a holdup during a bank robbery. Warren is played by the very likable Erik Estrada and in 1985 he was hot off his successful run as Poncherello on CHiPs. I should also mention that we actually first meet Estrada as Warren on the VHS cover with his steadfast gaze that first got me to watch Light Blast so long ago. The bank robbers have hostages and as part of their demands they request lunch to be delivered by a naked delivery man, so as to see nothing is hidden. Enter Warren (not fully nude, but wearing some skimpy briefs) carrying a fully cooked turkey with French fries on the side. Nothing classes up a gourmet meal like French fries. You better believe the turkey is stuffed… with a silenced pistol that Warren uses to shoot one of the bank robbers right in the face! That is how you introduce a hero.
- The Heat is On – Warren is on the case of a criminal mad man that is threatening the fine folks of San Francisco with death by a blast from his laser. Dr. Yuri Soboda is the discredited former professor who believes his large ray gun will give him the ultimate power and he is not afraid to use the weapon to show the mayor he is serious. The effects of the weapon basically melts anything in its path, including and most visually stunning, human flesh and bone. We first see Soboda blow up some train cars at a rail yard, and whether or not he knew there was a young couple inside just adds to his ruthlessness, and we get to see fornicating faces flowing flaccidly floorward. Soboda next takes his weapon to the Oakland Stunt Show, and with all respect to the recycled car carnage on the track, the best stunt was when the poor souls in the press box got their faces melted.
- Cat and Mouse – There is a familiar pattern to Warren and the rest of the police force’s tracking of Soboda and his men. Get a lead, get real close to capture with a car chase involved with the bad guys slipping away. Not that it bothers me because we get to see car chase followed by car chase through the hilly streets of San Francisco. I don’t know where Warren keeps getting different cars, but in each chase in Light Blast has all different vehicles. Warren also uses several different civilian drivers in one car chase to avoid being spotted and I have never seen people so happy to be involved in a police tail since the Unsung Heroes of Death Wish II. The final chase, as you would expect, is the best as Warren “borrows” a sand rail, ideal for jumping in the urban terrain, chasing after Soboda in his rare and villainous 1977 Jaguar XJ-S Koening Wildcat. The chase music really adds to the excitement, but I appreciate how the music is not constant so we can appreciate the sound of the engines and tires being pushed to their limits. After the final chase, I don’t think Light Blast can end without one last satisfying melt face, could it?
Light Blast is a movie that is required viewing for melting face and car chase aficionados. While not a perfect movie: the motivation for Soboda is weak and I still don’t understand the crystals or whatever causes his weapon to work; Warren’s partner Ben, while a solid police officer looks like a hackneyed caricature because of the way he wears his hat; and Warren has a girlfriend that doesn’t provide much, even the forced late motivation for Warren. Oh wait, Jacqueline was played by the then girlfriend and future wife of Erik Estrada… good for them. These foibles are easy overlooked when you get to see melting faces and car chases. In fact there are so many car chases that when Warren witnesses a motorcycle and car get blown up with the motorcyclist getting tossed he only has a look of mild annoyance. The look on my face was pure exhilaration… which is probably the look on your face when you find out that this Bullet Points is going to end with some Bonus Bullet Points.
- They Could Name Their Price – Warren’s girlfriend Jacqueline wears a shirt with her and Warren’s face on it and there isn’t a dollar amount too high that I wouldn’t pay to have that shirt.
- Convenient – More movie fights need to happen in funeral homes. Warren takes a serious beating from Soboda’s wife who happens work at a funeral home before he comes out victorious and cuts out the middleman.
- Don’t Show CTB – Chris the Brain is known for hating poor looking television news sets in movies, which is why I have refused to tell him about the terrible looking Light Blast news set. It is just a lady at office desk with all the office supplies and phone visible and a plain wall background.
- Good for the Environment – Eagle eyed viewers will notice the footage of the stunt show was actually recycled from the demolition derby scenes in Fireball 500 which was also used in The Love Bug. Eagle eared listeners will recognize the score coming from Yor, the Hunter from the Future.
- Nice Vest – I have never seen a movie with so many men wearing vests getting shot.