Bullet Points: No Safe Haven
One of the byproducts of working for Bulletproof Action is waking up in the middle of the night and thinking things like, “When was the last time we reviewed a Wings Hauser movie on the site?” The next day I utilized the site’s search feature it told me two things… One, the last time we covered a Wings Hauser movie was on October 30, 2020 when Matt Spector reviewed Nightmare at Noon…. and two, we were well overdue for some Wings Hauser content.
So I checked to see what Wings content was available and 1987’s No Safe Haven caught my eye…
- You Have My Attention: Manuel (Branscombe Richmond, The Taking of Beverly Hills) is the first major character introduced in the movie when he tries to gun down some dude from the backseat of his limo… the intended target uses his female companion as a human shield and then makes a run for it, stealing a car leading to a chase (or at least sped up footage of cars driving the speed limit) that almost ends before it started, but then the guy hops out of the stolen car and upgrades to a cement truck. The chase resumes but ends in explosive fashion when the now over confident man slams right into a bus and both the cement truck and bus full of people explodes!
- Wrong Bet: Next up Manuel crashes a swanky party that included Dallas Hawks star quarterback Buddy Wayne Harris. Apparently Buddy was having some money problems a while back and came to Manuel for help… now Manuel wants Buddy to repay him by throwing the upcoming playoff game by at least 10 points. Buddy can’t bring himself to do it, so the night before the game he breaks his own arm making him unable to play and more importantly unable to throw the game. This really pisses off Manuel and his boss Carlos, who lost $3 million since without Buddy to cock it up, the Dallas Hawks were victorious even with their second string QB and are now headed to the Super Bowl. So Manuel and some of his crew track down Buddy Wayne who is visiting his mother and younger brother JJ… Manuel shoots Buddy’s mom dead in her kitchen, then they shoot up JJ with enough drugs that he ODs on the spot and after Buddy has to witness both of these horrifying events they shoot him!
- Peace Out: The eldest of the Harris boys is Clete Harris (Wings Hauser, Deadly Force). Clete worked for the CIA until there was a case where his superiors felt Clete took things too far, so they transferred him to work with the U.S. Peace Corps in the Honduras. Clete is living the life in the Honduras… banging the local ladies, playing soccer with the kids and drinking on the job. But when Clete gets a call from his old CIA buddy Ben about his family being killed, the mood quickly changes.
- Room Service: Clete is back in the States to attend the funeral for his slain family and to begin to extract his revenge. Clete calls in favors with the local authorities and his buddy Ben at the CIA and tracks down one of the men responsible for his family’s death, Ricardo Valdez at a hotel… it is here that Clete poses as room service waiter to gain access to Ricardo’s room, once inside he pulls a gun on Ricardo, knocks him out long enough to poor lighter fluid all over him and then sets him on fire and locks him outside on the balcony… where he eventually panics and jumps off the balcony, plunging to his death. Next up on Clete’s list… Manuel.
- Funk n’ Junk: But before he hits Manuel, he needs to get some special weapons to get the job done and that’s why Ben directs him to Randy, the proprietor of Randy’s Funk n’ Junk. Randy was played by Robert Tessier of Hard Times and Breakheart Pass fame. With his underwater weaponry secured, Clete attempts to blow up Manuel on his speed boat… but some how Manuel survives the blast, but he does not survive Clete running over him with the speed boat that Randy provided him! Clete then sends photographs of what he did to Ricardo and Manuel to the boss Carlos… who quickly leaves the USA and returns to his native Bolivia.
- The Cocaine Harvest: Apparently on the eve of the cocaine harvest it is tradition to have a big party… can you guess who plans on crashing Carlos’ big party? If you guessed Clete Harris, you’d be right. And Clete is bringing his new buddy Randy and a badass helicopter with him too, giving us a big action finale to compliment the big action intro!
No Safe Haven is no action masterpiece, but if you watch it you won’t be seeking safe haven afterwards either. Wings Hauser was not only a capable star, he was also one of the writers… which is probably how he got multiple love making scenes. I enjoyed that Robert Tessier got to play more than just the big heavy in this one. And you can never go wrong incorporating Branscombe Richmond into your action movie and No Safe Haven gives Branscombe more to do than most movies he has been featured in.
Speaking of more, here’s more of this review in the form of Bonus Bullet Points…
- If You Ever: ...wanted to see Wings Hauser gift a woman a razor so she could shave her arm pits, then No Safe Haven is the movie for you.
- Familiar Face: The play by play announcer for the Dallas Hawks football game was none other than Bill Mercer. A longtime broadcaster in Texas, Mercer’s work with World Class Championship Wrestling in the 1980s made him a familiar face to me and other wrestling fans around the globe. Bill Mercer may go down as my most unexpected “familiar face” in Bonus Bullet Points history.
- If You Ever: …wanted to see Wings Hauser bang a chick in the backseat of her Impala featuring a vanity plate that read IM EZ, then No Safe Haven is the movie for you.
