Bullet Points: Collision (2013)

I’m somewhat of a regular at my local public library. I don’t mean to brag, but I listen to a lot of audio books (impressed yet). I also kick around the movie section quite a bit while my son throws books all over the aisles and screams to high heaven. Every once in a while, I’ll find the most random flick ever just sitting there next to that shitty Transformers (could be any one of them) sequel and I’ll pick it up and force my wife to watch it with me. My most recent excursion to Free Barnes & Noble took me straight to the movie section and I picked out this piece of work. Could a movie starring Jaimie Alexander and Frank Grillo be that bad?

Synopsis: Newlyweds Scott and Taylor (Grillo and Alexander) are cruising through the Moroccan desert when a wild-driving stranger causes them to lose control and crash into a vehicle convoy in the middle of nowhere. Now the surviving members of the collision must figure out why they’re all creeping around the dunes and who they can trust. Spoiler alert: Never Trust Anyone!

• Frank and Jaimie: They’re supposed to be newlyweds but we’re led to believe that they’ve been together for some time. The biggest reason I made that assumption is that Taylor complains non-stop and talks about being bored with Scott’s behavior. That doesn’t sound like a pair of newlyweds. That sounds more like a couple who have been together for several years. Trust me, I would know…
• I could be wrong: Other evidence suggests that I could be wrong with my above statement. Moments after checking into their Ballin’ hotel in Morocco, Scott and Taylor are upstairs doing the “Two Backed Beast”. That seems more like the actions of a couple of newlyweds.
• Twists: Collision is a movie that prides itself on having twists on top of twists. In what could have easily been a twist that may have surprised a lot of people, the infidelity of Taylor with the Australian fella is shown just minutes after she takes a pounding from her new hubby. I definitely made a comment to the wife about his stank still being all over her (she did not appreciate it) but apparently this dude was so into the young lady that he was willing to travel across the planet Earth to murder her legally binding spouse. If you haven’t guess yet, the crazy guy who causes the crash later in the desert is the same guy who was making out with Jaimie Alexander while she still had her other man’s love sweat on her. Ick…

• These people suck: Most of the characters in Collision have obvious flaws they’re dealing with. In fact, I found it difficult to find anyone that I didn’t want to just die of thirst or exhaustion in the first act. The only character that doesn’t seem like a total loser is Saleh, played by Roschdy Zem. The cover of the film had three actors on it and I couldn’t stand a single one of them by the end.
• Moussa: Moussa Maaski plays the most deplorable character of any of them. He’s actually the only one who doesn’t have a serious twist attached to him throughout the movie. We learn right away that he’s a no good scoundrel and there isn’t much chance of him making it to the end unscathed. He did, however, share one very important attribute with most of the other characters; he was trying to bang Jaimie Alexander.

• The Action: The trailer for this film had me thinking that there was going to be much more action than it actually had. It wasn’t a terrible movie, or even worse, a boring movie. But, it was a bit weak on the action as a whole. The car crash that starts all of the drama is pretty rad. Dudes get smushed and like any good car chase sequence, we eventually get an explosion. I initially grabbed the movie because I thought it was going to be a direct to video action flick. Hell, maybe Danny Trejo would even make an appearance. Sadly, there was no Trejo or Steven Seagal around to save this movie from the lack of action that it suffered from.
• Remind me never to marry Jaimie Alexander: I made a note in my phone but just in case I lose it or drop it in the toilet, remind me never to marry this chick. She’s obviously hot, but I can’t risk getting murdered by her legion of lovers.

The Verdict: I will never watch Collison again. It wasn’t the worst movie I’ve seen this month but it’s not really the kind of movie that gets better the more you watch it. If there were some more shootouts or exposed nipples in it then I could see myself streaming it a time or two but if you’re a die hard action fanatic, you can probably skip this one. If you’re more into thrillers and Frank Grillo talking about other guy’s asses then this might be your “cup of tea”.