Bullet Points: Lake Placid

Quick, name an animal. Whatever it may have been, there is a good chance that there is a movie out there with that animal killing lots of people. Sharks have been done to death and snakes and spiders are too easy. There have been some movies where warthogs and dogs have killed people and who can forget how awesome The Ghost and the Darkness was? The fact is that movies like Lake Placid are a dime a dozen. The goal is to find something that makes it stand out…and usually in movies like this it ends up being gratuitous nudity or gratuitous violence. My memory tells me that Lake Placid has neither.

Synopsis: A small lake-town in Maine finds out that crocodiles eat an awful lot when city government workers continue to find reasons to get into the lake. The Sheriff, a rich adventurer, a city-girl paleontologist, and a fish and wildlife guy all team up to stop the crocodile from just doing what crocodiles do.

• Monster animals: There is really nothing special about Lake Placid when it comes to the story. It’s basically Jaws and every other monster animal movie. You know the kind; local police, some scientists, and then a brash guy all take turns getting eaten by a massive creature. Jaws and Moby Dick are like the old-time versions of Die Hard in that you can just change one or two things and continue to get more movies out of it until the end of time. Now all I want is a Die Hard/Jaws hybrid movie….
• Welcome to Maine, but not really: While the movie takes place in Maine not a single scene was filmed in the state. It’s also called “Lake Placid” even though the movie doesn’t take place at a place called “Lake Placid”. Someone was either very confused when they made this movie or they just stopped giving a shit at some point.

• Science to the rescue: A diver gets chomped in half by some lake monster and their first thought is to have a paleontologist come in to check out the tooth. It makes sense, I guess. It would be important to have some sort of person who knew what they were talking about confirm what is killing these people but it really doesn’t mean squat because they still have no clue what it is until it almost eats them. She just becomes one more body that they have to protect after she tags along with Brendan Gleeson, Bill Pullman and company as they cruise around the lake in boats that are more fit to fetch driving range golf balls.
• Betty White is forever old: Much like my wife’s grandmother, not many people can remember when Betty White seemed young. It’s partially because she is super old, but it’s also because she’s constantly been on television for like the past 40 years. All of which when she was already old. So rerun after rerun of Golden Girls just confirms that she was actually birthed in a Benjamin Button like way but never aged in reverse. She has just stayed old. But…she is pretty funny. She provides some background story and a few laughs even though she totally should have been arrested.

• Stop going into the water: Crocodiles mostly attack things on land. That is knowledge that can easily be found online or from someone who has watched hours of Nat Geo. Sadly, Bill Pullman and his friends, one of which is a supposed croc expert, decide to camp out on a shoreline and then continuously cruise out into the water like they’re on some bass fishing/beer drinking expedition. This monster croc has apparently been living there for years and it’s only after some dude went diving into the water that anyone noticed it. They should have just left him alone. He wasn’t doing anything other than eating!
• Come for the cast: What makes Lake Placid more than just another big animal kills people movie is the actors involved. Bill Pullman is heroic and Bridget Fonda has always been cute and innocent seeming, but it’s really the Brendan Gleeson and Oliver Platt show. The two men constantly berate one another and even get into a very brief fight. I don’t know what happened to Oliver Platt, I feel like I haven’t seen him in a movie in quite some time but I seriously love his work. Gleeson will always be that guy from Gangs of New York to me and Bill Pullman is Bill Pullman.
• Croc fight: I still have a hard time accepting that this giant crocodile needed to be killed. Why is anyone surprised that it is eating all kinds of stuff. The largest croc in captivity was 18 feet and there are legends of crocs surpassing 20 feet but the one in this movie reaches 30 feet. Despite how ridiculous that sounds, maybe just cordoning off the area and leaving it alone for a few days would have been the best plan. Maybe put some raw meat on the beach and wait to see if it comes up after it. Don’t just go diving into the water like an idiot. The finale leaves a little to be desired and the body count never gets high enough to push this movie over the edge into brilliance.

The Verdict: Monumental stupidity. That is what I saw from many of the characters in Lake Placid. They never stop to think that their actions are just making it worse. It makes for a better movie, though. No one wants to watch a movie where local police and National Guardsmen block off roads and patiently wait for the crocodile to come out so it can be captured. What make Lake Placid fun is the work by all the actors involved. As I said before, the story is nothing special and the creature effects (Stan Winston special) are good, but the amount of kills are low and it never gets crazy like in Anaconda. It’s still a fun movie even though it really doesn’t make any sense. If it’s been a while, you’ll do well to re-watch it with a few ice-cold brews.