Bullet Points: Eminence Hill

They say you never judge a book by the cover. But with movies, I couldn’t tell you how many times a cover fooled me into renting it at the video store. Robert Conway’s new film, Eminence Hill has a badass cover. I see Lance Henriksen smack dab in the middle looking like he’s about to own the movie with his eyes. I also instantly recognize long time character actor, Barry Corbin and Face/Off’s Dominique Swain. They must be the main stars? Movie posters / box art never ever tell lies, right? I received an early screener before this one hits movies theaters, disc and digital in November. Good thing I have some BPA Bullet Points to answer all your questions.

• The 0-30-60 Theory: About that badass poster. Unfortunately, it fits my theory. Dominique is in the opening scene. She’s an outlaw. A member of a gang of ruthless thugs who’ve savagely murdered an entire jury. Yes, 12 Dead Men. The leader of the gang, not pictured on the cover is seeking vengeance against the jury who sentenced his brother to death. Dominique is the leader’s lover and probably most trusted ally. 30 minutes into the movie, Barry Corbin shows up as the central figure of a religious cult of sorts. He’s a kinda-sorta half-way important character. Lastly, and most unfortunate, Lance Henriksen magically out of thin air cameos at the 60 minute mark. Lance is in and out of Eminence Hill in about the time it takes the average reader of BPA to take a piss. Damn it, movie poster! I’m fooled again. But, just for fun, I’ve included a picture of the main bad guy at the bottom of my Bullet Point. His name is Clint James and he plays Royce. Why isn’t Royce on the poster?

• Some Truth In a Lie: I’m still thinking about the poster. The catchphrase has me perplexed: In This Town There Are No Good Guys. There’s a lot of truth in this statement. We have no main good guys. Let me explain why: Royce and his gang lose their horses and stumble across a town in the middle of nowhere led by Barry Corbin. I thought Eminence Hill was going to take a 2001 Maniac’s Wrong Turn. You know, dummies accidentally come across a town that appears okay on the outside, but is a hell on earth in all actuality. That’s kinda true, but no one gets eaten. Also, we think the law is after Royce. But we are dead wrong. The law is really another savage killer out to collect a bounty. Once again, not really a good guy. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out everyone is going to meet up at Eminence Hill. The saving grace is the pimp as hell guide who’s reluctantly helping the fake lawman find Royce. His name is Carson and he has a badass beard and likes whores. Just for giggles, I’ve included a picture of Carson and the fake lawman, Quincy. It also looks like Quincy might be the brother of the director, since they share the same last name. Quincy is portrayed by Owen Conway. Again, why aren’t these guys on the cover?

• So What About the Action: Yay! We do have boobs! We even have an almost not-awkward sex scene featuring Dominique Swain. Random whores also appear topless in random scenes. This is the Wild West. Prostitution ran wild like “Wildfire” Tommy Rich. Bravo for using your R-rating like you’re supposed to. Attractive naked women make all movies better. Oh yeah, you might also be interested in the other type of action. The kind with bullets, knives, guns, fists and bloody throats. The action is serviceable. Some CG blood made me cringe, but I’ve seen a lot worse. I also believe there was an effort to make some of the effects practical. This isn’t Tombstone, the action isn’t first class, but it isn’t awful. I believe there’s enough action in Eminence Hill to satisfy at least 68% of BPA readers. Since I’m on an action kick, here’s a badass action still of Lance Henriksen to make you almost believe he’s the star of the film.

• Vampire Bill: Before I leave, I have one big bone to pick. Why does everyone talk like they’re 19th Century English Majors? Come on! This isn’t True Blood, and no one in this film is a Southern Gentleman like Vampire Bill. When you’re writing a screenplay, use language that at least sounds right. People didn’t talk like this in The Wild Bunch. The director sites Sam Peckinpah as a major influence. Hell, Sam would cuss you out for the screenplay. I know the movie is set in the late 1800s. I get it. You want realism. I’m sure we could ask someone alive at the time if the words spoken sound legit. Problem: They are all dead! Just write for your audience. Maybe some Classical English Majors are watching, but most people are watching for the action and not the dialect of the dialogue. No picture of Vampire Bill, it might send me into a bigger tantrum.
• Final Thoughts: Eminence Hill isn’t the greatest film. However, I think it is watchable. It is an action western with some good parts. IMDb isn’t the biggest fan of Robert Conway. Most of his movies have an average score of 3.5. And you know, that’s not out of 5, but out of 10. I would say it is more of a 5. The problem is most will rate the movie lower than I did. Therefore, dragging the overall score down. But, just like the theme of this review, we can easily make a case for: Don’t Judge a Film by its Average Score on IMDb.

What? No Bonus Bullet Points? Of course not! Let’s go!!

• Whiskey: Fuck money! When you need a surefire way to bribe your way out of not getting killed; Whiskey is your best friend.
• Throat Stomp Squish: If you’re a fan of outrageous kills, then Eminence Hill might be the movie for you. It features a very satisfying stomp squish that had me cheering out loud.