Bullet Points: Red Sonja

The world of Sword and Sorcery lost a legend this past year with the passing of Albert Pyun. I know my good friend Chris the Brain has been filling his eyeballs with Deathstalker goodness as a coping mechanism so I felt it was my duty to fulfill my obligation to the sub-genre by re-visiting another bonafide classic. It’s one that I haven’t watched in some time but I’m sure I’ll still be slightly aroused at the thought of Brigitte Nielsen and Sandahl Bergman going at it. Some things never change…

Synopsis: The fearless warrior Red Sonja sets out to avenge her family’s murder and rid her kingdom from the tyrannical rule of evil Queen Gedren.

• For Justice and Vengeance: When the evil Queen Gedren (Sandahl Bergman) decides that she wants the young and red-haired beauty Sonja (Nielsen) for herself, Sonja gives her a pimpsmack across the face with a staff. It leaves her face with a wicked scar and it pisses her off enough to go back to wipe out the family of Sonja. She’s completely alone except for a vision ghost thingy that tells her to become a badass warrior and to get revenge. Sonja says, “sounds good”.
• That damned Talisman: A group of hot chicks that are best described as Amazonians, are attempting to destroy this magical talisman that is just too powerful to control. They almost get it done, too, except for that bitch Gedren shows up with her troops and slices and dices them to bits and steals the talisman. Now she’s evil and has an incredibly powerful weapon.

• Not Conan and the Ultimate Team-up: The film isn’t on long until Director Richard Fleischer shows his big moneymaker in Arnold Schwarzenegger. He wasn’t aware that he’d play such a large role in the film but he does spend a considerable amount of time running around chasing Red Sonja and trying to get into her pants. She also meets the young Prince of a newly destroyed kingdom played by our friend Ernie Reyes Jr. and his bodyguard Falkon, played by Paul L. Smith. They are both amazing and I’ll not hear a single word otherwise.
• The Machine: Queen Gedren and her henchman Ikol (Ronald Lacey) have some really evil shit going on. They have the talisman and are attempting to conquer everything, but they also have a badass sorcerer who looks like he comes straight out of the Flash Gordon movie. Not to mention their armored sea serpent that they simply call “The Machine”. It’s the first time that we get to see all of our heroes fighting together and just another reason for Fleischer and De Laurentiis to flaunt him around like a piece of meat.

• Where the sun don’t shine: It’s off to the really evil place where there is no sunlight for the heroes as the clock is ticking for the planet. The talisman is getting so powerful that it’ll only be a few more hours before it destroy everything and it’s up to Sonja to do battle with Queen Gedren in the nude. Oh wait, they weren’t really nude but a man can wish. Falkon and Not-Conan take on the majority of the bad guys but even little Prince Ernie gets to try out his martial arts on the always excellent Ronald Lacey. The action sequences are really fun even though they lack a little of the flavor that made Conan the Barbarian so great. I think that there are a few less evil henchmen in this so it’s mostly just the heroes taking out dudes in helmets. The sorcerer bit, though, is fantastic and we’re left with a big time showdown with the fate of the world at stake.

• Meanwhile Arnie is still trying to get him some.

The Verdict: I think Red Sonja doesn’t get the credit it deserves in the Sword and Sorcery genre. It’s been disrespected for far too long and I’m finally here to say ENOUGH! Is it as good as a Conan the Barbarian? Of course not, but it’s probably better than Conan the Destroyer and while Brigitte Nielsen isn’t exactly a home run as an actress, she looks the part and can swing the hell out of a sword. Throw in very entertaining performances from Ernie Reyes Jr. and Paul L. Smith and I, for one, had a whole lot of fun on this re-watch. Don’t let the 35+ years of negativity stop you from enjoying this first feature length theatrical film based on a Marvel Comics character.