20 Reasons Why You Suck: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
I am a massive fan of G.I. Joe. The comics, the toys, the animated series, G.I. Joe: The movie; all of those things put a big smile on my face. In fact, one might say that G.I. Joe was a humungous inspiration for me as a kid and has effected my life in ways that no other thing has. It’s weird to say that considering it’s just a collection of stories about a fictional war between good and evil. Many people only know of G.I. Joe through the Hasbro toy line, but any serious fan of the stories deserve to spend some money on a collection of the original Marvel line from writer Larry Hama. It’ll change everything you know about the often-times cheesiness of the cartoon. It treated the characters, their morals, and the destructive war with Cobra as something serious and something deadly. It’s also part of the reason that I HATE G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. That seems like a good starting point… this is 20 Reasons Why You Suck: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra edition.
1. Destro’s ancestor is an idiot. The McCullen family line of rebellious guys goes back a couple of hundred years. The man who would become Destro had an ancestor who was so stupid he literally told his captors that his children and his children’s children would carry on his fight. Why didn’t they just take out his heirs?
2. Marlon Wayans is in this. Supposedly, Wayans was offered the role of Ripcord based on his work in Requiem for a Dream. Have you seen that movie? What about that f*cked up movie made them think that Wayans could play this role effectively?
3. Cobra weapons use fart technology. Duke and Ripcord’s convoy get ambushed by some Cobra dudes using what I call “fart technology”. Go back and listen to the sounds coming out of their guns. FURP!
4. They couldn’t have picked a worse lead for Duke than Channing Tatum. Channing Tatum is a poor man’s Mark Wahlberg. I can’t stand Marky Mark as an action star and he looks like Marlon Brando next to Channing Tatum. They put a tiny little scar on his face in honor of the original Joe action figure but there isn’t enough lipstick in the world to put on this pig.
5. The state of your script, Hasbro. G.I. Joe hasn’t been relevant for some time. The toys were amazing as a kid but the series really died in the 90’s. They have had a very long time to come up with a simple story (you know, good guys vs. bad guys) with a few well-written characters. Use Duke, Scarlett, Snake Eyes, Roadblock, and maybe one other one. Have them fight against some ridiculous plot by Cobra Commander and Destro. How hard is it? Leave all that BS romantic backstory for some other movie.
6. Cobra Commander… Joseph Gordon-Levitt has a few good action movies under his belt. Inception, Looper was cool, and that third Batman movie was ok. This one, however, negates all of that. He’d need to make 3 Die Hard‘s to make up for this one!
7. Snake Eyes mouth is what nightmares are made of. My goodness… hiring Ray Park as Snake Eyes was a great move. That guy can really do martial arts action. It’s too bad they made his face look like some sex doll mask of Grace Jones.
8. Delta 6 accelerator suits make them all look the same. The best thing about the toy series was that all of the Joe characters had their own gimmicks. Some of them were ex-football players. Some were sailors, some were Native American trackers. The Rise of Cobra made the terrible decision to put them all in the same suit that made them all but copies of one another. Who would buy a bunch of toys for characters that all look the same?
9. Training montage or video game montage? The film finally has a chance to flex its muscles by inserting a training montage and it might as well have been a video of them playing an Xbox.
10. Give us the romance we want. Scarlett has always had a different love interest. The cartoon was Duke, of course, but the one in the comics is what we really needed. Give us Scarlett and Snake Eyes.
11. Real American Heroes via Egypt. Really? Underground Egyptian base?
12. Baroness and Storm Shadow lay waste to the Joe base. The base is bad enough without having two characters easily infiltrate it and kick the shit out of all of your people.
13. 10 Year old fight. Flashbacks of Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes is okay but it really doesn’t fit in this movie. There is just too much going on. Oh yeah, the crazy fight by the two 10 year old’s is absolutely ridiculous.
14. Collateral damage through the streets of Paris. They are trying to protect the citizens of Paris but they sure do cause a lot of damage. Mostly, I just hate the fact that they’re running around in those suits. I can accept the city being destroyed.
15. Arresting the Joes. By all mean, arrest the Joes. I like the idea of them operating in secret. I just wish they would have released them and made a big deal out of them now fighting Cobra on their own or just going rogue against the government.
16. Destro is a real dick who expects too much of his pilots. Marlon Wayans finally gets a chance to be more than just the comic relief by flying a plane he’s never seen before using a language he has no idea about. The crazy fast planes used by Cobra aren’t controlled with buttons and throttles and whatnot. You have to have a knowledge of Celtic language to fly these puppies!
17. Pressure sensors don’t work that way. Snake Eyes gets by the pressure sensitive floor by walking on his hands. In what world does that make sense?
18. The Duke/Baroness romance just feels wrong. Sienna Miller is beautiful and probably my favorite part of the film. Sadly, she doesn’t have the accent or much that resembles the real character of the Baroness but there isn’t much in this movie that I enjoyed so I had to pick something. Her romance with stone faced Channing Tatum is so forced that I almost injured myself rolling my eyes over and over.
19. Someone tell me this Cobra Commander is a bad dream. JGL is already a terrible choice for Cobra Commander. It’s sad to see good actors recite such terrible dialogue. They didn’t do him any favors by putting in in a mask that looks like it was designed for a totally different film franchise.
20. Zartan is the new POTUS. I actually kind of liked this part. They should have spent more time with Zartan and less time talking about Baroness and Duke.
Fellow G.I. Joe fan here, i.e., a kindred spirit. I, too, grew up with the Marvel comics, toys and daily cartoons, which all collectively created and honed the Joe/Cobra story line and mythos, for better or worse.
Unfortunately, it seems like the number of Joe fans has dwindled to the point where it’s a brand of nostalgia at this point. If you want quality Joe stories, I highly suggest the IDW comics run.
Having said that, I think this movie was too Hollywood-ized. Too many things were swept under the rug, and I agree with all your points. I’d add: Cobra Commander should have worn a mask throughout; Snake-Eyes shouldn’t have been mute because of his own choice; both sides should have had at least a cursory overview of the team members; and on and on and on. Don’t get me started on the pathetic sequel.
Great article, by the way.
#21 – The lack of Sgt. Slaughter… they couldn’t give the first ever Joe based on an actual person a cameo? It would have made that training montage a lot better with Sarge barking orders at the pukes!
Thanks American Ninja! I think we could all compile a list that might reach triple digits. I must admit that I didn’t hate the sequel as much as you. Mostly because of a better Cobra Commander, Firefly blowing shit up, and proper ninja-ing. It was leaps and bounds ahead of this pile of crap.
That’s why you’re the Brain! 90 seconds of Sgt. Slaughter giving out to Marlon Wayans and the douche Tatum would have easily made this movie better. Instead…we got Brendan Fraser wearing a beret…
Huge Joe fan here too. I hate that this movie is the only exposure to GI Joe that a lot of people have. I know it was rushed and was written quickly right before the writer’s strike but timing isn’t everything, making something clean and good and true to source material is worth a wait. I blame greedy producers for this atrocity.